The Pain of Grief & Our Response
A widow once told me of the terrible moment when she found her husband dead and as she curled up into a ball of pain, she felt the arms of God around her like a physical presence, close and comforting her. It was a powerful experience that stayed with her all her life.
The way we grieve is unique to each of us, one grief specialist said, “patterns of grief are like fingerprints, personal to us only.” Yet there are common experiences we all have. Usually there is the initial shock when we hear the news, and it can be difficult at first to process and believe the loss of our loved one is real. Then we will experience a range of responses depending how important the loss is to us. Grieving can provoke many feelings in us; we think, feel and do many things that are difficult for us to control and with which we are uncomfortable. We could experience problems sleeping, nightmares, crying, behaving absent-mindedly, and over activity.
I remember the day my mother died I felt shaken, my mind could not believe what had happened, I felt numb. I drove myself from Herne Bay to London to my aunt’s home (60 miles) away with little awareness of how I did the driving to get there!
Something that is not often considered is anticipatory grief. This is when a loved one is gradually fading away through dementia or another illness. Those who begin to grieve before the death and experience a ‘living loss’ can find there is little support from others who do not understand or acknowledge they are grieving.
Grief isolates us; it throws us into a hostile and alien place, someone described it as a ‘landscape without a vocabulary’. But always remember when we feel most alone and lost, God will be there for us, he is “our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble (Psalm 46). Jesus says, “Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted (Matthew 5).”
There is helpful advice on the bereavement signposting website, ataloss.org, to help you through a difficult period of grief, perhaps an anniversay or a special family time like Christmas:
Acknowledge your feelings. It’s important to accept that it’s okay to feel sad, angry, lonely or fearful. It’s normal to experience a range of emotions in grief.
Plan. Decide in advance how you want to spend the time. Whether it’s attending family gatherings or opting for a quiet day at home, having a plan can reduce anxiety.
Don’t feel pressured. Grief is individual. Focus on doing whatever feels right for you.
Build in flexibility. Grief is unpredictable, so if you get an invitation to join others, consider saying something like: “I would love to come but it may not feel so easy when it comes to it. Could I let you know on the day?”
Create new traditions. If old traditions are too painful, consider creating new ones that might be more manageable.
Remember your loved one. Find ways to include the memory of the person in your celebrations. For example, lighting a candle, or sharing stories.
If you are someone who has faith remember you are never alone. In the Bible God is described as the “Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles” (2 Corinthians 1). In my experience finding a Christian friend to pray with you is also beneficial. The next Bereavement Journey course is due to start on Thursday 23 January. There is no charge, please see the contact page to register – see www.lifeofhope.online/contact.
